Another panic attack. This one came later at night but felt a little more severe. I was just sitting there, desperately trying to fall asleep when it hit me that all I want to do in life is make an impact. It has to be something major, nothing small will do. Yeah, I realize that every human being impacts the next and that we all food chain the shit out of each other and everything ends up back where it started, but that shit doesn't feel like it would cut it. So I sat there and realized that at the end of everything, if you amount to nothing big, you are nothing. And that's when my heart started racing.
I don't know how people go through with college without going crazy. Maybe actually having people in your life that matter beyond your local best friend and a loving family will keep a person blind enough to get a degree, find a job, take out a loan for a house, and get married. See? Amounts to nothing beyond a place in the food chain.
I'm having huge doubts on my major. I'll forever be thankful for NDSU making me a fucking amazing writer when it comes to essays. When looking at my high school work, damn was I awful. Took a 400 level Native American literature class because I found out that my great, great, (possibly another great?) grandparents were Cherokee, and before that I knew I wanted their culture's struggle to be represented in two of my novel ideas. Take the class to learn more, right? The teacher is a fucking awful nutjob. After my first required meeting with her, I immediately tried to drop the class. Realized I couldn't get a full refund--I'm paying $4,000 out of pocket for half a year and four bullshit classes that are honestly teaching me very little--so I decided to stick it out. (I've never felt so much regret for being in school, goddamn that is a waste of money.) When the little review sheets come out for each teacher at the end of the semester, the ones where they give you a 3" x 5" notecard space to make comments about the teacher, I'm going to stamp "INADEQUATE SPACE" and then staple the fucking essay I've written about why she shouldn't be a professor.
I'm tired of bullshit teachers that grip onto minds that want to actually learn something useful and just try to erect their own cock day in and day out by speaking of all their accomplishments. The past three years have felt like high school. Fuck, I feel like I'm still in fucking high school. I think it all has to do with the total lack of any change. I made absolutely no transitions, my biggest mistake.
Got accepted to study at Vesalius next semester. I sort of fucked up my application and should have had it placed last on the list, therefore I could have gotten into my other programs first, if accepted. Iceland was before it, though, and that's really where I wanted to go. Especially after 127 Hours. The school only accepts 300 students a semester (or is it year? Either way, I think it might be 300 students at the school total.) and that's why I just sort of put it on the list to see if maybe I'd be accepted. And I did. And fuck do I want to go bad. That would be fucking incredible. But it's $10,000, just for tuition. I brought it up to my dad today, made the comment that it would be nearly impossible to pay, and he simply agreed and that was the end to that. Another opportunity wasted.
Just another link.
