Heya.

How're you doing? :)

I'm doing good. I miss talking with you. Your friendship's still really important to me, ya know.

Things are going pretty well on my end. I'm excited to be back home. I felt a lot of homesickness at the start, but now I feel like I'm going to miss this place. But it isn't Europe-- I honestly don't think I'll miss Europe. (Well, maybe Amsterdam, but don't judge me. It gets a lot of crap for its drug culture and sex tourism, but the city itself is beautiful. Go look at John Green's Amsterdam videos and you'll agree with me. Plus the Dutch are incredibly nice to foreigners.)

No, it's the people. I've made a lot of friends here, and I like that feeling, especially since I've been completely myself with them and they haven't judged me or thought that I wasn't cool just because I like World of Warcraft, or know what a chimaera is, or talk like an English major all the time. I've even become close with a few friends here that mirror my relationship with my best friends back home, something that I always thought wouldn't be possible. It's going to hurt seeing everyone go, especially since I'll be one of the last to leave.

We've all "made plans" to meet up again at some point, probably early next year, but you know how those things tend to pan out. Distance really sucks--the theme of my life.

My roommates were all gone so I recorded a YouTube audience-directed video on iMovie. How funny's that? Shaun reminded me that I haven't made a vlog-type video in pretty much two years, so I thought it would be funny to make a "Two Years of No Videos Anniversary" video. Felt weird to listen to myself speak again. I used "like" too much, like a total '90's girl (har, har). I thought about repeating some of the lines from my travel journal, but maybe I'll wait until I get back home to make that video. The days are so drastically different: one day is spent working out, grocery shopping, and watching Dexter, and the other is spent watching a girl break her nose/upper jaw on the sidewalk while walking to a karaoke bar with a caravan of drunk people (yeah, that really happened). I'll upload it, but it's going to take a while. I need to find time to edit it, and free time is preciously spent (sometimes) preparing for finals, but mostly playing Luxor Quest on my phone.

But enough about me, let me know how you're doing. Honestly. I still care about all of you a lot, and still consider you some of my best friends.

Take care.

Well, maybe not "Yup."

So it looks like I'm going to Vesalius. Sat back down with the old man, looked over everything and it looks like I should be able to slip through unless I get hit by a car.

Fucking. Excited, although you'd probably never know it.

And I was wrong about the essay writing. I can write a mean essay, but it just takes me hours. I get so ADD when writing essays (which is why I'm writing in a blog instead at 1:49 am). Some part of my brain realizes that no matter how long I take, I'll get it done, so I just fuck around until the late(/early) hours of the night(/morning) without actually getting anything accomplished at a decent time. I need a way to fix this.

Yup.

Another panic attack. This one came later at night but felt a little more severe. I was just sitting there, desperately trying to fall asleep when it hit me that all I want to do in life is make an impact. It has to be something major, nothing small will do. Yeah, I realize that every human being impacts the next and that we all food chain the shit out of each other and everything ends up back where it started, but that shit doesn't feel like it would cut it. So I sat there and realized that at the end of everything, if you amount to nothing big, you are nothing. And that's when my heart started racing.

I don't know how people go through with college without going crazy. Maybe actually having people in your life that matter beyond your local best friend and a loving family will keep a person blind enough to get a degree, find a job, take out a loan for a house, and get married. See? Amounts to nothing beyond a place in the food chain.

I'm having huge doubts on my major. I'll forever be thankful for NDSU making me a fucking amazing writer when it comes to essays. When looking at my high school work, damn was I awful. Took a 400 level Native American literature class because I found out that my great, great, (possibly another great?) grandparents were Cherokee, and before that I knew I wanted their culture's struggle to be represented in two of my novel ideas. Take the class to learn more, right? The teacher is a fucking awful nutjob. After my first required meeting with her, I immediately tried to drop the class. Realized I couldn't get a full refund--I'm paying $4,000 out of pocket for half a year and four bullshit classes that are honestly teaching me very little--so I decided to stick it out. (I've never felt so much regret for being in school, goddamn that is a waste of money.) When the little review sheets come out for each teacher at the end of the semester, the ones where they give you a 3" x 5" notecard space to make comments about the teacher, I'm going to stamp "INADEQUATE SPACE" and then staple the fucking essay I've written about why she shouldn't be a professor.

I'm tired of bullshit teachers that grip onto minds that want to actually learn something useful and just try to erect their own cock day in and day out by speaking of all their accomplishments. The past three years have felt like high school. Fuck, I feel like I'm still in fucking high school. I think it all has to do with the total lack of any change. I made absolutely no transitions, my biggest mistake.

Got accepted to study at Vesalius next semester. I sort of fucked up my application and should have had it placed last on the list, therefore I could have gotten into my other programs first, if accepted. Iceland was before it, though, and that's really where I wanted to go. Especially after 127 Hours. The school only accepts 300 students a semester (or is it year? Either way, I think it might be 300 students at the school total.) and that's why I just sort of put it on the list to see if maybe I'd be accepted. And I did. And fuck do I want to go bad. That would be fucking incredible. But it's $10,000, just for tuition. I brought it up to my dad today, made the comment that it would be nearly impossible to pay, and he simply agreed and that was the end to that. Another opportunity wasted.

Just another link.

WHY THE FUCK

DOES MY SOUP HAVE SO MANY BEANS?

Four

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is dead.

Each of us strives to be the best that we can be at whatever interests us. There are too many of us for each and every single person to exceed in talent. Thousands of years ago this was a useful tool to help motivate a bunch of apes to create tools and accidentally burn forests down, but not anymore.

You're just decaying slightly faster than the rest of us.

"God is the only reason I love."

Bitch, THAT'S A MISTAKE.